


The one where Laf needs one hell of a hug

by jackpip



Series: 3 Significant Figures [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Hurt/Comfort, I’m sorry, Lafayette has a panic attack, Lafayette has anxiety, Lafayette needs a hug, Other, Panic Attack, alex and john love laf, non-binary Lafayette, so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-25 16:45:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13838901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jackpip/pseuds/jackpip
Summary: Lafayette has a panic attack in the middle of a grocery store and runs out. They panic that Alex and John will reject them, dump them when the two realise that their datemate has anxiety. They couldn’t be more wrong.





	The one where Laf needs one hell of a hug

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I just wanted to say this: I have anxiety myself, so I based Lafayette’s experience largely on my own (I project on them tbh). Therefore, it is accurate in terms of what I myself have experienced. If you have any constructive criticism or kind comments, feel free to put them at the bottom, but please don’t be dicks! I literally wrote this because I was sad and I needed a distraction :’)

The door swung open and Lafayette stumbled through it, struggling even though they were carrying nothing. Hardly remembering to close the door behind them, they didn’t even take off their shoes before almost sprinting to their bedroom. They grabbed Alex’s pillow, put on John’s pyjamas, and threw the cover over themself as they lay down, shaking. Not this. Not _again_. No, no, no. This couldn’t continue. What if Alex came home from work early? What if John got bored of the gym sooner than usual? _What if either of them found Lafayette, crying under their duvet?_ When they found out it was all because there had been too many people at the fucking supermarket and they couldn’t deal with it today, not alone, they would leave them in a heartbeat. When they realised that their datemate _couldn’t even finish buying some fucking potatoes_ , it would all come crashing down around them. Lafayette was supposed to be the comforter; instead, all they could do was hide beneath one.

Lafayette took a deep breath and closed their eyes, softly resting their forehead against the phone screen. Before today, they always refused to tell their boyfriends when they were anxious. Alex and John had enough going on with themselves, anyway - Lafayette was always there, helping them; it didn’t seem right to burden the two of them with their insignificant problems. Just last night, they had been holding John tight as he shook, sleeves dampened with tears; it wasn’t fair of Lafayette to put this on the two of them. A fresh wave of anxiety rolled over them and, tugging at their hair in a desperate attempt to ground themself when they were so close to being pulled under, they unlocked their phone.

The messaging screen. All they had to do was type in one word. One word and Alex would come running. One word and John would hold them tight and everything might, just might, be ok again.

**To: 3 s.f.**

Paused again. They hated this. Why was it so hard to send a simple message? Lafayette had to do nothing more than type out one word, and everything would change. Everything would be better. They needed to. As much as they hated it, it was necessary.

 **Laf:** Rochambeau

_[ **Alex** is typing]_

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, _fuck_. Lafayette had sent it and Alex had read it; there was no going back. Why was this such an issue? They usually messaged the group chat multiple times a day, sending memes to get the other two through the day. It was always Alex or John who would say the word, when they needed the others. Never Lafayette. Their job was to be there for someone, not to be the one who needed someone, and they’d fucked up. They’d fucked up again. They’d fucked up and no one was ever going to come and help them and why should they? Lafayette was a mess and John and Alex- Fuck. Alex had messaged back. Shaking, Lafayette unlocked their phone.

**3 s.f.:**

**Alex:** Fuck. Laf? What’s happening?  
**Alex:** Lafayette?  
**Alex:** Fuck the meeting with Washington.  
**Alex:** I’m coming home  
**Alex:** Now

He sounded angry. Lafayette began shaking harder, tears welling in their eyes no matter how hard they scrunched them back; they knew they’d messed up. Alex probably hated them. Probably wanted them gone forever. John probably hadn’t replied because he was so ashamed of them for being so weak. So _pathetic_. Their phone buzzed again.

 **Alex:** Laf, talk to me. _Please_?

Lafayette shook their head at the screen, hoping the gesture would somehow transmit to their boyfriend’s phone. They couldn’t talk; their mouth was dry and their head felt like it was about to explode. Locking their phone, they sunk further beneath the duvet, stayed there for god knows how long, stayed there until they heard a door opening and felt arms over their back and the bed dip next to them.

“Laf, I’m here. I ran all the way from the gym.” Something in John’s voice made them curl up even tighter, the fact that he’d stopped doing something he enjoyed - something he always did - causing guilt to flow through them.

“I’m here, honey. Hey, can you turn to face me? Please?” Lafayette would rather have done anything in the world than turn round, see the inevitably disappointed expression on John’s face, see their failure reflected back at them, but John had asked them to. John asked them to so they had to because maybe if they did, John wouldn’t kick them out yet. Maybe if they turned over, John wouldn’t think they were so pathetic.

Lafayette turned over and John Laurens smiled down at them, green eyes sparkling with... pride? _happiness?_ They couldn’t tell anymore. All they knew was that John wasn’t shouting, and John was familiar, and familiar was _good, and that he smelled like the pyjamas they were wearing and that meant that he was safe because that smell was safe and Laf desperately needed safety_ so they buried their entire face into his chest, tears falling from their eyes. They felt John rest his hand gently on the back of their hair, felt him take it out of the ponytail they’d tied it in that morning. Felt him slowly stroke his fingers through their hair, the pattern soothing their sobs slightly. Eventually, he spoke again.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Lafayette shook their head vehemently, their grip on John intensifying.

“Can I help at all? I want to help you, Laf. I love you.” Their anxiety picked up again. John said he loved them; he wouldn’t leave someone he loved, right? They felt their heart beginning to race again, felt the tears coming back, just as another voice entered the room.

“Hey, Laf. What’s going on?” Alex’s voice was jarring, ripping Lafayette away from the depths of their mind. They felt him sit down next to their back, felt his hand link with John’s, the both of them stroking their hair. They felt... _comfort_.

The three of them stayed there, John still holding his datemate close, until Lafayette murmured out from between them.

“I’m so... I’m so sorry.” In an instant, they felt Alex’s hand pull away from John’s and gently pull the hair away from their ear.

“It’s ok, my love. It’s ok.” Lafayette shook their head.

“No. No, it’s not. You left work early and Jack came home from the gym just because I was being stupid. It’s not ok. You could get fired! _J’ai encore foiré. C’est de ma faute_.” Alex smiled down at them and took their hand, John continuing to stroke their hair.

“That’s not the case at all! Washington doesn’t give a shit - look for yourself.“ Alex waved his phone in Lafayette’s face.

 **AHam:** Mr Washington, I’m sorry but I’m afraid I’m going to have to cancel our meeting - Lafayette is really sick and I need to go take care of them.

 **GWash:** Go home and give them my best wishes, Alexander.

Ok. So maybe Washington was ok with it, but it was still a stupid reason for Alex to leave work because he might have missed something _important and what if he ended up getting into trouble and he got fired anyway and oh shit John missed out on swimming and John loved swimming and maybe John was angry and-_

“And no, before you panic too much, I’m not missing out on swimming. I was doing weights today - you know how much I hate those.” Laf closed their eyes in relief. They didn’t even realise they were still shaking until Alex was nudging them gently.

“Laf? What made you that upset? Jacky and I aren’t going to judge you - we promise.” John nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, Laffy Taffy. We love you too damn much for that.” And, with that, the barrier broke.

Lafayette told them everything, voice shaky and hoarse from crying, speaking quietly so they could hear the others inevitably telling them to shut up. Told them how they got anxious in the most simple, normal settings. How sometimes going to the cinema made them want to throw up - they’d insisted they watch Netflix instead of going out the week before. How sometimes even things like going for a walk through the park made them anxious - Alex felt bad for laying into them just a couple of days before for never coming out to do things anymore.

They told Alex and John about that day, about how there were _so many fucking people_ it was _fucking suffocating_ and they needed to get out get out get out so they’d left their cart full of food and run all the way back to their apartment. About how they should have carried on, how they should have come home calm with shopping bags in hand. About how they should be comforting the other two, not the other way round.

By the end, John was clutching them tighter than ever, and Alex had buried his face in their hair. No one spoke straight away. No one had anything to say.

John rested his forehead against Lafayette’s, gently touching their noses together and prising their eyes open.

“Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette. There is more love in my heart for you than there are syllables in your name. You are perfection personified. This does not make you weak, nor does it make you of less worth to me and Alex, or whatever other ideas you have floating around in your head.” John tapped their head gently and smiled. Lafayette half-returned it.

“The fact that you’ve been dealing with this for so long on your own is incredible, and the fact that you trusted us enough to tell us is even more so. I’m so proud of you,” Alex added, kissing their head. “mon amour. Mon cœur doit rester avec toi.” Lafayette could feel the anxiety slowly seeping out of their bones.

“But what about you two? I need to be there to look after you when you need me, not the other way round.” John’s heart broke a little more.

“Ce que tu as décrit? Celui-là n’est pas un relation. Juste comme tu es toujours ici pour nous, nous serons ici pour toi. _Nous sommes ici pour toi_.” Lafayette smiled warmly, lying back into their boyfriends’ arms, still and breathing normally.

“On the plus side, I guess that now we all know the others have panic attacks. That’s gotta be kind of reassuring, right?” Alex exclaimed. “Hey, Laf, I don’t suppose you feel like coming to the grocery store?” Lafayette looked terrified and sunk beneath the duvet. “Hey, buddy, I’m only joking. How about we get some pizza?” John and Lafayette nodded enthusiastically and Alex tried to get off the bed when an arm shot out and pulled him back down.

“Please don’t go. Not yet.” Lafayette passed their phone to their boyfriend to use, hoping it would be enough to make him stay put for the time being. Alex snuggled back into his datemate’s shoulder, taking their hand once more.

“I wouldn’t _dream_ of it, my dear. I love you.” John kissed Lafayette gently on the forehead.

“Neither would I. I love you too, Laf. Nothing could ever change that.”

“I love you too, Jacky. And you, Alex.”

Lafayette smiled. They were with their boyfriends, and they were safe.

**Author's Note:**

> Hmu at transbimcclain on tumblr if you want to be friends! I hope you enjoyed it - there are gonna be lots more fics in this series.


End file.
